What do I do about my mother in law?

I always have Christmas eve at my house with the in laws. Like always my mother in law doesn't care about the kids.She doesn't call for birthdays or show up for the parties. She never brings anything for the two little ones either. OK no big deal well this year we had a death of a newborn(her great grand daughter)she never even called,sent a card or flowers to her grand daughter. She also never showed at the funeral.My husband always defends her thats the way she is. How do you think I should handle this when she shows up like the loving grandmother she is NOT.?I am so mad that she acts likes this. Maybe I should just play it up like we really don't care,but it hurts us and expecially the kids.

What do I do about my mother in law?
Embarass her. Buy gifts for the little ones and put her name on them as if they're from her. Buy her really cheesy gifts that show absolutely no thought or caring and label them from the kids. (Like a boxed toenail/fingernail clipper set and other assorted nonsense.)





As for the thoughtless way she seems to forget your family the moment she is not around them, I would make jokes around her about how when she's too senile to take care of herself, it will be a shame that she isn't closer to the rest of you, since that means she will have to be put in an old folk's home.





Maybe she'll get it.
Reply:honestly your all adults confront her in private and alone or maybe with your spouse but only the three dont make it a public thing!
Reply:lisa if i was you i would .tell your husban she is not welcome in your home..and that would be final
Reply:Dont show up or act sick, there is syrup of Ipcacap (Makes you vomit) or something like that spelling that I had one time that I had that I almost used.... I was so worried, but no longer.. I stand up to the woman.. I might use a Klonipin or so, but I still stand up to her her.. (KIDDING) I really stand up to her now, she is nothing more than an old lady now, why should you or I be scared? I do say "NO!" now, it just takes time, you get older and BETTER! But on the other hand, she is a good cook, and I do like her food.. so we visit often, we have worked out the differences... you can too, food is the best way.. it is a time tested and proven way.
Reply:Do you visit your Mom in Law? Do you ever have one on one time? Have you ever seen her when it was just you two? Old people are wierd. They're set in there ways. I wouldn't expect my Mom in law to come over and be all friendly if I hadn't taken the time to visit with her. My MIL was kind of cold to me too. She would look at me and wave her hand and address me as "who ever that is" But, I made it a point to stop by her house or call. I couldn't imagine being without her now. I think you need to start talking to her. As far as your loss goes, I'm sorry. Again, older people are set in their ways. Maybe she didn't know how to react to such a tragedy? Give her the benefit of the doubt and start being nice to her and finding ways to open the lines of communication.
Reply:Well you should tell her how you feel and how the kids feel 2 then she might understand and if she doesnt than its her problem and she needs 2 figure out how she can be better she will learn well good luck bye
Reply:i have a similiar issue with my mother inlaw she only comes to see my 2 yr old once a week for 5 minutes yet is always puttin her two cents in u need to cut his nails did he eat no im going to make him starve she doesnt come to his birthday parties doesnt even send a gift didnt even come to his christing party or his first birthday party but certain holidays she insists we share together like thanksgiving when ive had the same plans for years ive made many attempts to get her more involved and to be more caring but it gets me no where ive given up i guess some people are just stuck in there ways and nothing with change that not even the birth of her first and only grandson so my advice is just to not care anymore if she doesnt care that she is hurting her grandkids or family nothing will get her to care sorry
Reply:My MIL is similar although we've never experienced such a tragedy before either. If you hubby wont stand up there isnt too much you can do. You can let her know how you feel and how it makes the kids feel. You can try to explain your side of it - but with out the hubby's support.... who knows.





Frankly, I wouldnt invite her - again hard to do without the hubby backing you up. Best thing you can do is be the best possible hostess and smile like it doesnt matter. Talk to your kids as honestly as you can without putting grandma down. Maybe let them know that grandma loves them very much, but she has a hard time expressing it. Aside from that, enjoy your day with your kids and the rest of the family
Reply:I'd praise her for whatever attention she is giving to the kids. That will likely encourage her to give them more. If you instead complain and criticize her, she'll probably just stay away.





P.S. Consider the fact that your mother in law has some sort of psychological problem that is interfering with her ability to interact with your family. Perhaps a little compassion is necessary in this situation, and you and your husband might gently encourage her to get an evaluation.
Reply:Maybe she is starting to develop Alzheimer's and is forgetting things. Or maybe she is genuinely not interested. But either way, WHEN she shows love and affection at any time, you should be grateful, even if she doesn't do it as often as you would like.





Try not to take it personally, this is actually quite common with older folks.
Reply:I am sorry for your lost.





I do not like my mother in law or father in law, and I am sure I am not their favorite person. They live in Texas thank God! They did not bother to come meet my second child who is now two months. Maybe because they do not like me they feel they don't have to be part of my kids. Anyway, don't feel bad just do as she does. Trust me if she does not care you shouldn't either. Do not include her in your plans, no greeting cards, no calls. If your husband wants to, thats his problem to deal with not yours, just because he is her kid. Good luck and f*** her! Do not let this witch kill your holiday spirit!
Reply:I would ask her very nicely if she needs help choosing gifts for the little ones, or if she might like you to pick some gifts out for them. Even if she says no I would get a gift or two and put them under the tree from her. Maybe she will get the hint and even if she chooses to ignore it the kids won't be hurt and that's the main thing.
Reply:Your husband should not be defending her. He should be defending you and your children. You should give him an ultimatum that either he speaks up or he can go and live with her. Her behavior is inexcusable and it is up to him to let her know it.
Reply:leave her alone u don't rule the world
Reply:Let it be, be as civil as you can with her, and just deal with it, you can only change how you react to things not what people do.
Reply:Do the same. Tell the kids not to talk to her, don't go near her, don't buy her any gifts, and don't do anything for her. Serve dinner, and give her some nasty rotten food, say you figured you'd give her food to match her personality.
Reply:i feel so very sorry for you,what an awful person your mother in law seems to be.god how terrible it must be for you and as for your husband defending her i'll never know she doesnt deserve to have grandchildren.im really sorry i wouldnt show any kindness to her what so ever she doesnt deserve it.this is a drastic situation for you to be in.my heart goes out toyou.
Reply:OK, you need to talk to the mother in law yourself or do one of those things when you don't talk to them for a LOOONG time. If your husband gets mad, thats his problem that he doesn't want the best for his wife and kids. Talk to your in law and settle this for ALL
Reply:smack her with a turkey leg. it worked for me
Reply:She is your husband's mother. Ask yourself will anything change if I confront her over her actions ? Will it make my husband , my children, or me feel any better about the treatment ? The answer is probably no , you can't change people...your husband is willing to just accept the way his mother behaves and my advice is so should you. Just accept the fact that she will never be the Parent, mother-in-law , or grandparent that you want and expect her to be and nothing you say or do will change that, but you also don't have the right to confront her and cause a separation between your husband and his family/mother, If he's willing to accept her for what she is so should you.
Reply:To bad you didn't ask this question last week.





What I would do this year, is talk to your husband and tell him you aren't doing the Christmas Eve with the In laws this year, that you are just not up to it. Tell him you are exhausted, tell him anything then make him call his mother and tell her.





Honestly, there is no excuse for your MIL behavior. She is a cold hearted, self centered b*tch, I am sorry to say.





I am also sorry for your loss, I would have been by your side the whole way. I am not joking, how dare her???





Christmas Eve is 4 nigjts from tonight. You better start getting sick real quick.





Get yourself through Christmas without the In Laws this year, tell your husband you are depressed and miss your baby and you would just like to sit this year out. THEN HE HAS TO CALL HIS SELFISH MOTHER and tell her.





Go and see your parents on Christmas day if that is what you do. Just tell your husband after the kids open their presents you feel a little better and would like to get out, that is if your parents are local.








I think you're husband has to come up with something better than "that's just how she is". hey I have my own mother to contend with knowing "that's just how she is" and I dissolved my relationship with her 9 months ago.


She is MY mother and I won't tolerate her selfish, only thing that matters is HER attitude any longer.





So, you have every right to make this an offical NO IN LAW XMAS EVE Year...Take this off from her, just seeing her face would want to make me put rat poisen on her food.


Just kidding but you know what I mean?





good luck to you, try and have a happy holiday and once again I am sorry for your loss ~ Please just tell your husband and stay firm.......she can come over a few days later since she brings the kids nothing anyway. What does she want? A free meal? Then tell her to go to the local churches, they offer free meals on Christmas Eve.....
Reply:well, is she against your marriage to her son?.....if not, have you sat down and talked to her about it?....maybe she needs to know how you feel?....shoot her a email.....if all of that has been done, then she sounds alot like my father's family....they are not close, they never see each other, it is really sad, but there are people out there like that....as far as the newborn, that is very sad, maybe she doesn't know how to respond to it, being so emotionally withdrawn, she didn't know how to act, so she avoided it completely...
Reply:You should tell her.
Reply:Confront her about it. She needs to know she sucks big donkey balls.
Reply:I have a feeling that your mother-in-law is acting 'strange' because something happened in HER family when she was young and she 'developed' this 'not caring manner' to cover for the pain inside her. Just because she seems not to care doesn't mean that she doesn't care ... and at Christmas time, when we are celebrating the birth of the baby Jesus, who grew up to die on the CROSS for ALL of our sins (the sins of ALL of us) we should be nice and warm and loving, even if she can't be ... she's your mother-in-law, and she needs love even if she can't show love. Merry Christmas ... to ALL of you, and I'll pray for the lost baby ... and for you.
Reply:I have a Grandmother who is very similar...but she shows up for the parties showing off her new jewelry and then forgets to buy the kids a present.


As a Grandchild, I learned to deal with it, I don't mind when she forgets me, but it makes me very angry when she deliberately hurts my mother or my aunt.


I think you need to decide what it's worth to confront her. One one hand you would get to tell her exactly how you feel and it may make you feel better. And she would know that what she is doing is unacceptable and you won't tolerate it anymore. .


On the other hand you telling her could mean a huge fight between you and your husband and no real change in her behavior.





If you do confront her I think maybe you should do it in a less then threatening or angry way....maybe letting her know how hurt her grandchild was that she never called or came to the funeral (I'm so sorry for what your family has been through). Give her the big guilt trip.





I hope she gets better, but as someone who has seen the mean side of grandparents, I don't know if she ever will.
Reply:It sounds like your husband owes you an explanation. You should question your husband regarding her past behavior when he was growing up. I think something in her past may contribute to her behavior.





I know you want to build a relationship and I understand your plight. Take wallet size pictures of your kids. Place them in a christmas card, with an extensive note.





In the card write down your concern about her relationship with her grandkids,,but write if though your kids have written it. Ex,


"Dear Grandma, why can we spend some time with you? We love you"





Do this and see what happens. What's more important now is that you make sure your family have a wonderful Christmas. God bless.
Reply:Sometimes its better to not say anything, it is wrong what she has done your family %26amp; its is obvious she doesn't care much at all..


But i wouldn't say anything to her, she sounds like the type to ruin your christmas %26amp; cause dramas between you %26amp; your husband..


Its up to you but if christmas is really important to you for the kids then yeah have a word with her another time, but either way I think she will always cause trouble for you if you say something..


Good luck %26amp; merry christmas to you and your family...
Reply:Oh dear, she sounds like a real cold hearted beatch. However, I do not know the woman's background , maybe she never received love and does not know how to give it. There are reasons for why people are like they are. It is Christmas, you say she never shows up all year for anything, but does for Christmas. Does she bring the kids gifts then and act like the wonderful grandma....probably just a show, however, you need to be a better person than her. Treat her cordially and bite your tongue. You could always dig out some pics of the kids at their birthday party that she missed, maybe it will make her feel like a real chit, but I doubt it, but that would be a good way to get a dig in, especially if other people are around " Oh here are the pics of the kids b-days that you could not be at" and smile, like you are trying to involve her in their lives when you are really throwing it in her face.


Personally I would want to punch her as I am sure you would, but you need to be the person she is not and do not let her spoil the holiday.


Advice---let your hubby defend her--- don't argue about it, it is a no win battle, don't even bring it up, she is not worth the effort/arguement, you don't need a rocky relationship with your hubby over his mother, your family is your kids, you and your hubby and if she does not want to be a part of it , her loss.
Reply:she obviously doesnt care.you dont need her and the kids dont need her uncaring lifestyle. you dont deserve that at all. im sorry about the loss of the baby, just stay strong and raise the kids the way you would have liked to be raised.
Reply:I'm just wondering why any of you have a relationship with this woman? I wouldn't go anywhere near her nor would I subject the children to her. She's only a relative, that's all. It does not mean mandatory relationship. If she is unhealthy for you and your children stay away from her. She's your husbands mom, let him have the relationship with her. And if he has an issue with this, take him to counselling with you and let the therapist explain it to him. But stay away from her and keep your children away from her too. Good luck.




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