I have a few more stories carrying on from this one, honest opinions please before i try to publish?

The Ghost of Marnie Jones.





Marnie Jones was a friendly ghost who,when alive,lived in an old run down cottage on the top of Dartmoor,Devon. She had lived there most of her life until she was seventy two,and that`s when the cold finally got into her old bones and she died in her sleep, peacefully and content.The next thing she knew there was no more cold in her bones and she had never felt so good in years ! That in itself was most puzzling and to make things worse in walks Farmer Redman, dressed in black and carrying aa big bunch of flowers ! Well, said Marnie, i`ve known you the best part of 50yrs and never once have you brought me flowers! What`s the occasion? Of course there was no answer as Farmer Redman could neither see or hear Marnie,much to her annoyance! Excuse Me! Shouted Marnie, dont you dare ignore me Ted Redman! turn round and face me! Just then, Ted turned round, but it was`nt to answer her, it was to answer the telephone next to him. What he said next froze Marnie to tthe spot, well if she could feel the cold it would have done! Yes said Ted, it seems she died sometime last night in her sleep but at least she did`nt suffer and it almost seems as though she is smiling!Smiling,thought Marnie, well, i did`NT have much to smile about when i was alive so i might as well carry on smiling now i`m dead. What fun i can have she thought and with that, pulled her tongue out at Farmer Redman and walked out the door.





The sun was shining down on Dartmoor, Winter, spring,summer, summer or autumm it was alway`s beautiful and the changing colour of the seasons made it more so. This had always been Marnie`s home, and she knew it so well she could find her way home from Mortonhampstead, a village 3 miles away in the dark, just by looking at the stars. This is where i belong thought Marnie, i`m so glad i didnt end up somewhere strange or somewhere hot she said to herself with aa giggle, at least Old Nick ( the devil ) had`nt got her! Over the next couple of weeks she attended her own Funeral,( good turnout) and discovered that if she closed her eyes and thought of somewhere, when she opened them she was there! This she did quite often but for some reason kept thinking of Widdecombe On The Moor and had been there more often than anywhere else, much to the amusement of the local cow`s, who, for some reason, could see and hear her when no one else could! Mind you when she landed on the bull`s back last Thursday you should have seen the tourists scatter as the bull shot off as if the Devil himself had appeared! It was so funny.





It was on a Saturday afternoon when she came across Daisy. She was sat outside the old Potttery Shop sobbing and whimpering. Marnie wanted to put her arm around her but knew she could`nt so she sat next to her and tried to listen to what she was mumbling. It turns out that they had just arrived on holiday and the caravan they had been promised had been given to another family, who had arrived at the holiday camp one hour early only because they were speeding down the motorway all the way from Exeter. They had passed Daisy and her mum and dad doing at least 100mph, making mum slow down as she expected to see an accident further down the road involving the horrid family as she now called them. Dad did`nt drive,he always said there were enough crashes on the road without him driving! Dad was so funny at times but at the moment he and mum looked so sad because the caravan they had been allocated was`nt half as nice as the horrid families had been given and it just was`nt fair! Life`s not fair thought Marnie, but you deserve a good holiday I`m sure there`s something i can do. Before long, Marnie had a plan!





You know when you feel like someone is watching you or looking over your shoulder ? Well,Daisy felt just like that all the way back to Tor View Holiday camp and with good reason, because sat next to her all the way back was Marnie Jones.Believe it or not this was her first ever ride in a motor car and she swore it would be her last! Stupid things cars she thought, as she hit the umpteenth bump and was glad when they arrived at the caravan. What she did`nt know was the Horrid families caravan was right next door to Daisy`s which didn't help one bit and Daisy was right, the other caravan was a lot nicer. Right, thought Marnie, its off to work i go!





Mrs Horrid was washing up the morning pots, Mr Horrid was snoring on the sofa because of to much beer at lunchtime and the kids were fighting in the bedroom, As Mrs Horrid walked away from the sink Marnie lea apt into action! she switched the water back on and pushed some of the pots so hard they flew across the room and landed with a mighty CRASH on the floor. Mr Horrid fell off the sofa with fright, Mrs Horrid sat there transfixed and the children came rushing out of the bedroom to see what the noise was! Did you see that? said Mrs Horrid shaking, see what? said Mr Horrid? All i heard was you breaking the pots you clumsy woman. But i didnt break the pots,she said, they flew across the room all by themselves! Mr Horrid was just about to say "Dont be stupid" when Marnie picked up a vase of flowers and emptied the water from them all over his head! He screamed,his wife screamed and the kids ran out out of the caravan as fast as they could! Quick, pack the bags and lets get out of here shouted Mrs Horrid, this place is haunted! and within half an hour they were on their way back to Manchester.





About two hours later there was a knock at the door and it was the nice lady from the booking office to see if they would like to move into the original caravan they were offered. One look at Daisy`s face was enough for her mum and dad and within forty minutes they were sat in a lovely caravan and still had six days of the holiday left! This is going to be the best holiday ever! shouted Daisy! Marnie Jones looked on and said "Yes Daisy it probably will! And disappeared!

I have a few more stories carrying on from this one, honest opinions please before i try to publish?
and? that's it?...uuhh...Wow! it's great! amazing...publish it already!
Reply:I like the premise and humor of the story very much... I know ghosts of that sort have been done before, but not by you and not with your own style and wit in the writing of if. You're going to have to go over it again because there are a few verbs that don't match your overall tense of verbs, and there are a few apostophes out of place, and such like that.





I can't correct it as I can only really see things squarely on hard copy. Perhaps you have a reading/writing friend you trust who could help you by acting as editor, or perhaps you could hire one for 30 minutes or so (which I've never heard of acually happening, but...)





Or read it out loud and pay attention to pauses unneeded and those needed (commas etc.), and to the verbs that sound funny, and to what an apostophe actually means: a contraction of the word "is" in some form or other.


Best of luck!... you're doing well.
Reply:I hate to be the voice of doom here, but even with a good story idea, plot and characters, you need to learn structure.





Everything you've written runs together. Learn to how to divide your story into appropriate paragraphs, and read some books on point of view, plotting, and show (not tell).





Its not an easy job to write a book that others will read. I wouldn't read past the first half of a paragraph of yours the way it appears here. Too much like an essay, or report. I want dialog, descriptions. I want to be able to put myself in the story with rich, verbal characters.





I have some short stories published on my website that you're welcome to view and read for some idea of what I'm saying.



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