I'm trying to write a novel, is this Chapter good?

Tell me if it%26#039;s good but try to keep down the criticism I%26#039;m very sensitive.





The Dreams and the Rose of Heather Dormeur





Prologue: Heather Dormeur the Angel on Earth





Heather was a young and very gracious, beautiful, and kindhearted girl. She had radiant blonde hair the glimmered in the sunlight. Her skin was lightly tanned and her eyes were gorgeous pools of water that brightened the dullest of windows. She was an intellectual girl as well, very popular and well liked by everyone. She was asked out to dates several times by every boy in her school. She also helped out at the animal center and donated to the local orphanage every week. She was just an angel that flew from heaven to bring splendor and optimism into the dreary and cruel planet known as Earth. Maybe she was, but we will never know.


Chapter 1


“Honey, wake up, wake up!” Mrs. Dormeur said with a gentle voice.


Heather woke up with a long and lethargic yawn that signified her long, deep sleep. She wasn’t a morning person at all; she referred to mornings as a guillotine that cuts off sleep and relaxation. Yet, with a reluctant sigh she got up.


“Mom, do I have to get up at six in the morning! School isn’t for another like two hours!” She said with a voice that made her seem like she was about to die a painful death. Her mother said not a word for two hours. This perplexed her.


“Mom you ready to drive me to school?”


“You’re not going to school today hon’.”


“Why today is Friday right? I also don’t recall today being a holiday, and today is supposed to clear up later today.”


“You’re not going to school because we are going to a funeral today.”


“Whose funeral is it?”


The room was silent for a few minutes, and Mrs. Dormeur started to cry her eyes out, and with eyes filled with tears and her voice gasping for air. She said “Your father’s funeral.” Heather’s heart fell, it seemed like it wasn’t a heart, just an empty black hole with nothing but pain, fear, and gloom trapped inside.


Heather didn’t believe this was true. Her mom had taken acting classes, and she had seen her act she was quite exceptional. “Okay mom nice trick but I don’t believe you.” She said with a skeptical tone. “It’s true Heather, its true.” She said still sobbing. “He never came home last night, I got a call from the police yesterday night saying that he had died when a careless driver crashed into him making him swirl off the highway and fall into the river and he drowned…” Heather was in absolute shock. She couldn’t hold back the tears and she sobbed and mourned the loss of her dad. Never did she think this would happen. With frail and sorrowful hearts they got in the car after on a stormy morning in April. The road seemed like an interminable, for the drive was dull and the day was a drowsy one in which someone could just fall asleep and dream…


Heather had found herself in a cell with bright and vivid images of her father, these pictures showed all their good times together, at the bake sale in 4th grade. There was also a picture of him teaching her how to swim when she was four. The picture of him teaching her how to ride a bike was also there. So many pictures from her younger years and they all made her heart fill with bliss yet suddenly they spontaneously combusted into small sparkling specks of the pictures. Heather cried once this had happened, yet the pieces formed together and turned into a spectral form of what looked like her father. Heather looked up in amazement at the brilliant figure. He wore a robe of fine white silk and gold, his face was hidden behind a veil.


Heather was in total awe! She could not move a muscle in her body. With a very harsh and brutal voice he said, “Heather… my lovely Heather.” Heather couldn’t help but feel discomfort. He continued saying, “Heather I have to tell you a secret, which has condemned me from the very day you were born.” He took a small pause and silence came over the cell, it deeply disturbed Heather and gave her goose bumps. In a scream that was filled with hatred he yelled, “I hated you I always have, I always will! You were such a burden to grow up. Always asking questions and wanting to learn things! It annoyed and tortured me in the very pit of my soul! Yet that is not why I loathed you.” Heather was completely paralyzed. He continued “I was thinking of killing you at the peak of your life. I had planned to right after the day of my death!” He carefully lifted his veil and under it was a blue and lifeless face filled with anger and rage. “I had died because god protected you; god loved you and hated me that is why I loathed you because you were too perfect too much of an angel. I could see it I our eyes the day you were born.”


The cells just shattered into darkness. Heather ran while all the memories of her dad, which were all around her, were being consumed by the encroaching darkness. Heather’s father yelled, “You can not escape death! Oh no never can you! I wish I could’ve ended your life but the cruel tortures of humanity and life will devour your being and turn it into nothing! NOTHING!” The darkness was coming for her catching up… When suddenly she heard a voice…


“Heather Dormeur! Wake up! Wake up we’re here!”


Heather woke up with her eyes wide open and a face that looked bleak and pale.


“Honey are you okay?” Mrs. Dormeur asked.


“Ya mom I’m okay I just had this nightmare.” Heather said with a somnolent and a slightly fearful voice.


“You sure, your face is really pale and…”


“Don’t worry mom, I just got a little car sick… That’s all”


“Okay then lets go get ready in the bathroom”


Heather was thought about the dream she had of her father, she was very confused and a stormy cloud of melancholy, hatred, and guilt came over her. She had never thought her father had that of her this way.


As she got out of the she had noticed that they were at a very old cemetery. The tombstones were covered in this grotesque mold that had grown and the stones looked like mounds of pebbles glued together. The dirt was more like sand, to the touch it was very soft to the touch but very hard to grab.


She had entered the convenience store on the other side of the street after seeing where the funeral would take place. She disliked wearing mourning outfits just for the fact that they were only back and so sad to look at, a whole group would just make her cry at the spot.


She went back to the cemetery and saw that all of the family on her dad’s side was there. There many that looked depressed naturally, stressed out, there were some plump and slender ones they looked like a very odd bunch of people who you would never guess them to be related. Heather was not paying attention to them though, her mother was greeting them, and she could not help but only look at a picture of her father and feel a lot of displeasure, hatred and love for the man.


As she was walking in the funeral service which was in a beautiful garden in the very back of the garden, it was the exact opposite of the cemetery for it flourished with beauty and liveliness, and was trimmed with beautiful flowers such as petunias daffodils and a variety of roses and in the very distant corner there was this pitch black rose in which stuck out but with its distant location no one had noticed, except for Heather.


This rose seemed to have been grown in hell for its stem was withered brown and yet the flower itself didn’t fall. The petals were twisted and deformed and there were only about 13 petals and they each had a taint of red on them. The withered stem had exactly 666 miniature thorns which Heather was shocked when she saw it. It was also quite tall and it’s fragrant smelled of a rotting lamb carcass. This rose had an ominous feeling about it, it left the atmosphere around it filled with discomfort, depression, guilt, envy, and other emotions that made a heart blemish its state of contentment. Heather marveled by this mysterious black rose decided it to pick it from the spot and keep it in her coat.


A microphone had gone on and old man who looked like the Pope with


black lustrous said. ”We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Lukas


Derek Dormeur.” Everyone there turned to a podium in which the man was talking. “Does anybody have a few words to say?” He asked. Mrs. Dormeur went up to the podium and said, “My husband was a great man who lived life without any regrets. He loved everyone he has ever known and showed us what he could do, what his dreams were, he inspired us with persevering to the end and teaching us great lessons about life and how to reach happiness and to maintain it.” Mrs. Dormeur then just crying after the period, she looked like she lost something precious to her, she lost her love and her soul mate.


Heather felt that all she said about him was true but it was merely a curtain covering the devil that stayed sanctioned behind a form of what seemed to be her caring father. It was all a cover-up he was a man whose life had been driven by killing those chosen by god to have a life of perfection. She could not help feel the same emotions she felt earlier, she was confused on why she felt like this. Heather was an age that would be ready to be released into the world, she didn’t understand, she was feeling a mixture of pain, sorrow, guilt, and detestation, while the body was put in the soil to rest forevermore.


After the service there was some food under a tent of smooth silken fabric. It had pervaded throughout the entire cemetery and the entire area was under a veil of light. Heather in her state of depression and rage could not help but release it. She pushed tables on to the ground smashed glass plates and stomped the food. She ripped off the veil and took a lighter from a man who was smoking outside and burned the entire veil. Finally, Heather had dug up her father grave with her bare hands and burned coffin and his body was burned right there. People panicked as the veil was falling down in flames. Heather just ran, ran as far as she possibly could away from the giant pile of flames in which people were trapped under.


She heard screams and cries for help, but Heather could not but just stare and think of the thought that the demon which was her father was exterminated forever, and the memory of him will be long forgotten. She could not help but laugh a maniacal laugh that plagued the air with death. Heather knew this was arson, genocide and many more crimes so she kept running after that brief pause. She never looked back and she just kept running to a future that was untold.

I%26#039;m trying to write a novel, is this Chapter good?
It%26#039;s alright in premise but in execution you need a little work. Learn to break large portions into smaller paragraphs to avoid the %26quot;WALL OF TEXT (tm)%26quot; effect and at the very beginning, your description kind of throws Heather in your face too fast.





Now what I%26#039;ve heard in writing is, %26quot;Don%26#039;t tell the reader, SHOW the reader%26quot;. Don%26#039;t start it off just describing Heather%26#039;s looks and life off the bat. Start it off in the middle of a dialogue or monologue, as if describing what you see happening in the beginning of a movie, or maybe having Heather looking back at the past and recounting her tale and ending this narration at the point where she %26quot;never looks back and keeps running toward her untold future%26quot;.





Describe her in bits and pieces scattered between storyline and if anything you don%26#039;t even have to describe her at all. Sometimes the readers enjoy having a character they can form their own description of. Try reading more published novels and take notes on how their characters are introduced and just how long it takes to form the *Author%26#039;s* picture in your mind in contrary to how you form your idea of what the character looks like.





Its hard for me to explain but you%26#039;ll see that the %26quot;famous%26quot; authors and %26quot;legends%26quot; don%26#039;t describe the character head to toe in the opening paragraph and drop little hints as the actions unfold like midway through a stressful dialogue, %26quot;Zack gave an exhasperated sigh as he ran his fingers through short, peppery grey locks%26quot;... and maybe a little while later in a whole different scene where he%26#039;s talking to a girl who loves him and the narration goes, %26quot;Amanda couldn%26#039;t stop gazing at the man%26#039;s amber eyes-- no one but she would ever be so mesmerized and taken by such simple radiance.%26quot;





Good luck! Writing%26#039;s a fun art! I hope I helped a bit!
Reply:wow...im stunned,


keep it up and let me know when it turns to a film :)
Reply:It has the potential to be good but you haven%26#039;t quite pulled it off yet. It%26#039;s too stilted and awkward, the character interaction is very cold and disjointed. There%26#039;s a lot to critique here but I%26#039;d tend to agree with the answer above me (or at least, it was above me when I started typing).





My first reaction as a reader to seeing this girl who gives to charities and is perfect and everyone wants or loves her, is that I want to watch her fall on her face. It seems too good to be true, and I think the funeral is a nice thing to segway into early on. However, you really would benefit as a writer from slowing down enough to be in the moment with your writing instead of running past. You need to feel every part of what%26#039;s going on, and if you did that you%26#039;d see the use of cliches and abstractions are unappealing. Such as %26quot;she couldn%26#039;t help but feel discomforted.%26quot; Her dad is dead, of course she%26#039;s discomforted, but then that doesn%26#039;t really cover it, does it? She%26#039;s chocking, she can feel the vomit raising in her neck, burning as an invisible force strangles her, she can hear the thumping of her heart pumping blood faster and faster into her skull etc.





Maybe that%26#039;s overdoing it but it%26#039;s just an example. I hope you don%26#039;t take this harshly, I%26#039;m not saying it%26#039;s bad. In fact, I rather like where it%26#039;s headed. I just am not the type to say %26quot;It%26#039;s awesome!%26quot; and leave it at that. I may say it%26#039;s awesome, but I%26#039;ll give you reasons why and some opinions on how to improve. Take it for what you want, I%26#039;m not published either, save for the newspaper, so if any of what I%26#039;ve said makes sense then keep it in mind, if not no worries.





Best of luck.
Reply:I think you%26#039;ve got a great idea for a book. Lots of action and suspense. You may want to consider a course in creative writing to help organize your thoughts and brush up on your grammer. I%26#039;m thinking of taking one myself. Good luck.
Reply:I think you have a good start and a decent story line, but if you really want to build on it, you will need to fix some of the details and rethink a few ideas.





All in all a great start and I would love to hear the rest and/or help you edit it. It takes a lot of work to write a good story, and I think you are headed in the right direction.
Reply:Well, firstly, I%26#039;d say to develop your character more. The flawless angel going to burning a dead body is quite interesting, but perhaps there should be more hints at the beginning, besides just a dream that propels her to do so.





Also, sometimes, looks, dates, and popularity aren%26#039;t enough to describe an angel. There%26#039;s a little superficiality in her. If she is %26quot;popular%26quot;, is she biased or unbiased? Will she help the %26quot;popular%26quot; student, or will she also help the %26quot;unpopular%26quot; student? Does she turn down the dates that she frequently gets? Or does she accept them? If she accepts them, does she ever fall into conflicts with dating previous boyfriends? Does she have any particular hobbies, anything that fascinates her? Develop her. I%26#039;d also suggest to %26#039;suggest%26#039; that she%26#039;s an angel. The way an angel interacts with others is different than, say, how a bitter widow interacts with others. The way she dresses, the way she thinks.





She also seemed rather %26quot;whiny%26quot; in the beginning. I was a little surprised that she objected to waking up early. Her mom keeping mum for two hours, then popping the statement, might signify that she thinks her daughter isn%26#039;t strong enough to handle death until she%26#039;s fully awake. How her father treated her when she was alive seems very good, as she did not seem to have any problems as the angel. This is slightly confusing as she decided to burn the body. She also seems to be on excellent terms with her mother. However, the way she suddenly committs arson implies there are underlying problems beneath her angel exterior. Perhaps hint at them more at the beginning? How she believed her dream to be truth also seemed rather strange.
Reply:While I liked this piece, I felt it was a bit flat for me. I see that you have a generous helping of adjectives there . . . bad move. It is good to be descriptive in your prose, but over doing it will spoil it for the reader. You have a lot of grammar problems within your chapter and with some tightening, this could pass. Oh and one can%26#039;t be sensitive and a writer, rejection is a mainstay. Get used to it and fast.
Reply:Wonderful! Very good use of adjs. This book is sure to be published, and guess what,if it is,I will be reading it!
Reply:its great!!! i love the suspension. tell me when theres more!
Reply:OMFG your like amazing that was soo good. I want more. Post the next chapter up when your donee.
Reply:add more emotion towards the death of the father...take it slower..other than that great!
Reply:Hmm, to start off for some technicalities, though they%26#039;re mostly typos. If you checked them over, I%26#039;m sure you%26#039;d find them. But they just bothered me a tiny bit, so I put them here. You are welcome to skip this part and auto-correct it if you%26#039;d like!





-Keep the story in past tense, since that seems to be the frame in most of your sentences: %26quot;She wasn’t a morning person at all; she referred to mornings as a guillotine that CUT off sleep and relaxation.%26quot;





-Missing commas in many places (I%26#039;ve added them in): “Mom, you ready to drive me to school?” (there%26#039;s a pause between %26quot;Mom%26quot; and %26quot;you ready,%26quot; unless she said it all in one breath) / She said, “Your father’s funeral.” / With frail and sorrowful hearts, they got in the car after on a stormy morning in April. / He continued, “I was thinking of killing you at the peak of your life.





-Missing grammar: %26quot;Why today is Friday right?%26quot; --%26gt; %26quot;Why? Today is Friday, right?%26quot; / Her mom had taken acting classes, and she had seen her act she was quite exceptional. --%26gt; Her mom had taken acting classes, and she had seen her act. She was quite exceptional. / “Okay mom nice trick but I don’t believe you.” She said with a skeptical tone. --%26gt; “Okay mom, nice trick, but I don’t believe you,%26quot; she said with a skeptical tone. / “It’s true Heather, its true.” She said still sobbing. --%26gt; “It’s true Heather, its true,” she said, still sobbing. / He wore a robe of fine white silk and gold, his face was hidden behind a veil. --%26gt; He wore a robe of fine white silk and gold; his face was hidden behind a veil. (comma changed into a semicolon, which links sentences together) / “Okay then lets go get ready in the bathroom” --%26gt; “Okay then lets go get ready in the bathroom.” Periods and question marks finish off every sentence, regardless if it%26#039;s dialogue or not. Periods and question marks are always inside the quotation marks too.





-Missing grammar cont%26#039;d: This rose seemed to have been grown in hell for its stem was withered brown and yet the flower itself didn’t fall. --%26gt; This rose seemed to have been grown in hell, for its stem was withered brown and yet, the flower itself didn’t fall. / The petals were twisted and deformed and there were only about 13 petals and they each had a taint of red on them. --%26gt; The petals were twisted and deformed and there were only about THIRTEEN petals and they each had a taint of red on them. (Unless the number is more than 20, you need to put the figure in words and not in digits. / It was also quite tall and it’s fragrant smelled of a rotting lamb carcass. --%26gt; It was also quite tall and ITS fragrant smelled of a rotting lamb carcass. / A microphone had gone on and old man who looked like the Pope with black lustrous said. --%26gt; A microphone had gone on and old man who looked like the Pope with black lustrous HAIR said, %26quot;........%26quot;





-Missing letters: %26quot;...I could see it I our eyes the day you were born.” --%26gt; %26quot;...I could see it IN YOUR eyes the day you were born.” / The cells just shattered into darkness. --%26gt; The CELL just shattered into darkness. (assuming this is a jail cell?) / %26quot;Oh no never can you!%26quot; --%26gt; %26quot;Oh no! You never can!%26quot;





Heather woke up with her eyes wide open and a face that looked bleak and pale. --%26gt; I think you have a sentence fragment here. %26quot;And%26quot; often links sentences together. So, Heather woke up with her eyes wide open, AND a face that looked bleak and pale.....?





Moving on. We are first introduced to Heather when you describe her. Maybe you want to keep this description in your character%26#039;s personality? It seems that a novel might want to start off with a hook or a brilliant, vivid description of a typical day in the angel%26#039;s life. She appears as a Mary Sue, which may be slightly irritating to some readers.





When Heather first hears of her father%26#039;s death, you could make it a bit more apparent that she feels a foreboding in her heart. Pain, gloom, etc. certainly can be felt at a funeral. You could also extend Heather%26#039;s reaction. She does experience absolute shock, but does she experience hysteria? Hallucinations? Or does she simply begin to grieve, moving on past the initial blow? Does she feel overwhelmed? Does she want to lash out at her mother? Does her mother console her? However, you also say that she mourns. Absolute shock + mourning are sometimes days apart. ^^;;





I think God is capitalized? For example, %26quot;Some religions have their beliefs in more than one god, but Christians are monotheistic and only believe in God.%26quot;





%26quot;Heather was thought about the dream she had of her father, she was very confused and a stormy cloud of melancholy, hatred, and guilt came over her.%26quot; This sentence is very much like this one: %26quot;Heather’s heart fell, it seemed like it wasn’t a heart, just an empty black hole with nothing but pain, fear, and gloom trapped inside.%26quot; It simply lists what she feels. It seems these are pretty defined, solid, and conclusive feelings, having arrived to the conlusion that she hates her father. Could you perhaps expand on this?





How does she count 666 thorns, by the way? I%26#039;m curious; I understand the connection between the devil date, though.





Finally, Heather had dug up her father grave with her bare hands and burned coffin and his body was burned right there.





How does she burn him? Does she whip out a match and set him on fire? I wonder if the attendants of the funeral are shocked as well, if she has the strength to dig out a coffin. That would make a very dramatic, tragic scene if there were some wild or maniac sense/feelings described.





Also, did she suspect that he was the devil in any way, or was he a great actor?





Overall, it%26#039;s a good plotline and interesting prelude. I think a major thing you%26#039;re missing is details, though not of Heather herself. Sorry for all the crits, as they seemed to be rough spots in an otherwise decent chapter. The use of adjectives and verbs is rather superior and adds a very nice touch. Just a few thoughts of mine; good luck with your novel! I%26#039;m awaiting her future!
Reply:wow i say it%26#039;s beautiful keep writing please!



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