How can I forgive and forget my Inlaws lack of compassion when my father died?

My husband was in Alaska at the time with the National Guard and he was unable to make it home for my father%26#039;s burial because he was in such a remote area. My inlaws were aware of everything that was going on and knew I was enduring a great deal of stress. My dad was under hospice care and in terrible pain, it was hard on me and my 11 and 2 year old girls. We and the inlaws were pretty close at the time in despite of their ridiculous ways and ongoing marital dramas...But to get to the point, my inlaws never even stopped by to check on me and the kids after my dad died! My mother inlaw even used the old %26#039;jury duty%26#039; excuse in response when my husband told her on the phone that my dad had died and funeral arrangements were being made. She said she%26#039;d send flowers (but never did)...I was there for their family funerals and problems and yet the response I get from them is NOTHING, then excuses, and then his mom lies about me, then downplays that she lied... What do I do? How should I feel

How can I forgive and forget my Inlaws lack of compassion when my father died?
How abandoned and hurt this must have made you feel! It seems to me that we have left behind a lot of the traditional ways of supporting those who lose a loved one. Those traditions helped people to know what to do. And, without them, a lot of people feel extremely awkward about handling the emotions surrounding a death.





Chances are, your in-laws%26#039; failure to give you the support you needed was due to their lack of comfort with your emotional state and just plain not knowing what to do or say. I%26#039;m not excusing them - when it comes to those we love, we should fight through our discomfort and at least try. But I would like you to know that it doesn%26#039;t mean they don%26#039;t care about you.





It would be nice if you could have a quiet, non-confrontational conversation with them about this. Tell them that you just want to tell them what you needed, so that they will know should something like this arise again. Explain to them that their support is important to you because they are your family. I sure hope they%26#039;re big enough to admit that they blew it. If they do, hun, you have to forgive and move on.





I%26#039;m very sorry for you loss.
Reply:That%26#039;s the nature of in-law relationships. You are family, when they want to see hubby %26amp; kids, and you%26#039;re not family when it%26#039;s about you.
Reply:Do you think that money could have been a factor? I know it doesn%26#039;t take a lot to send flowers or drop by for a visit, but sometimes people have a hard time scraping together even a couple of dollars.


If money isn%26#039;t a factor, then I%26#039;m sorry but they were pretty bad relatives. However, they are still family so you have to put it behind you. You don%26#039;t have to forget, but you do have to try to put it behind you for your sake.


I%26#039;m so sorry you lost your father. That is one of the most traumatic events you can go through in your life and your in-laws should have been there for you. I would hate for you to let your in-laws%26#039; actions make you feel worse.
Reply:First of all, I%26quot;m so sorry to hear about your terrible loss. There are no words to express my sorrow for what you are going through right now...


Well, my dear... I guess there is not much you can do or say about this situation. Yes, your in laws should have been more supportive to you, and to their grandkids as well (who of course are suffering a lot too), but that was not the case. I have inlaws who act like that as well, they simply DO NOT CARE. Some people are this way, unfortunately. But I am sure you have had the support of other people, family members, close friends and neighbors. I know it is very hard on you, but you can try concentrating on positive things, positive people that surround you. Never mind the inlaws. There is nothing you can do. You cannot make people like you. I totally sympathize with you. It makes me mad to the core that some people just don%26#039;t care, they are not sensitive of other people%26#039;s feelings. But ... sorry to be blunt (I found out the bad way too)... it is what it is. The important thing is that your husband is there for you, he was the one you married, not your inlaws. If they don%26#039;t care, oh well... move on. You are a beautiful individual who is loved by many people, I%26#039;m sure, and you totally do not depend on your laws for their love. A tip for you: the more you fuss about in laws, the more they will be there to harass you. You CANNOT let them know where your weak point is. If they know that, they will press the right bottons to make you mad and if that%26#039;s what they really want to see (you depressed, sad, mad), they will do it. Just act superior to them, never complaint about or to them. Just act neutral, no emotion (good or bad). Plain cold. Make sure your husband understands your pain about your loss, and talk to him, find comfort in him. You will be alright, you are strong.



flower