What is the etiquette for donating to a charity at request of deceased's family?

My husband and I are recently married and it is the holiday season. We are very short on money.





Today I just found out that a girl I used to babysit died of a drug overdose or of something drug-related. I used to be best friends with her sister and as the family lived down the street, we were always at each others' houses. I live in another state now and can't go there, plus the funeral is family only/private.





In the obituary, they ask for donations for a drug treatment facility. I think it would be more suitable to give to this facility in the deceased's name than it would be to send flowers to the family. What is the etiquette for doing this? Do I donate and also send a card to the family? I don't care if they know that I donated or not, but I want them to know that I am thinking of them. I am not sure if the facility will give a list of donors to the family. What is appropriate in this situation? My last name has also changed; how do I sign?





Thanks,


Tara

What is the etiquette for donating to a charity at request of deceased's family?
Tara, you are precious to take such care in doing this in your friend's memory. You can donate directly, you can ask if they send a card to the family and because they've been so close, you can send a card of encouragement/sympathy with some of your fond memories to help them remember beyond the pain that this young woman had friends, etc. In that you can mention that it was on your heart to help prevent this from happening to another family and so you sent a donation in her name to:





Keep shining kiddo, you sound like you really have it all, heart, smarts and empathy.
Reply:Most charities I've donated to at the request of the family automatically notify the family of my donation. I know they do because I then receive a thank you card from the family. I simply send a check to the charity with a note "in memory of" or "in celebration of the life of" and then I name the person. If your maiden name is Jones and your married name is Smith, I would sign the card Tara Jones Smith.
Reply:You can send a card, without mentioning the donation. When my father-in-law died, we requested donations to the hospice organization. The organization sent us a list of donors as they received them. They also sent very nice thank you letters to the people that donated. Just include all the information that you want in the letter to the facility when you send the donation. I would sign your name as first name-old last name - new last name.





Sorry about your loss,
Reply:You can make a donation to the facility and let them know it is in honor of your firend. Then you can send a sympathy card to the family of your friend to let them know whatever you'd like (such as "i'm so sorry for your loss" "I heard what happened and made a donation to the facility you indicated in the obituary" or whatever you'd like. You can also make a phone call to the family to let them know your feelings.





As to how to sign. I would suggest signing whatever you send the family in the name they knew you as. If you sign it as your married name, be sure to indicate somewhere who you are so they will make the connection.
Reply:When my son died, we didn't make any request of any kind, but a very good friend said she had made a donation to a certain place in his name. I'm glad she told me, because I never received any notice from the place. If she hadn't told me, I never would have known to thank her.





The mother of a friend of my son's wrote me the nicest letter telling about her memories of my son when he visited their home.





So I would send a sympathy card for sure and tell them you made the donation in her name, and even write a note telling something about your memories of the girl. This is so meaningful to the family. And sign your name Tara (Jones) Smith. Also be sure to put your return address on the envelope.





So sad when this happens to young people, and so hard for the families.
Reply:I won't donate. I will donate to the charity of MY choice.
Reply:You write to the centre making a bequest in the name of the deceased, asking for the acknowledgement to be sent to her family. You can sign it in your married name - Mrs Jane Jones (nee Smith), or just as Jane Smith.
Reply:my friend died of an overdose and her family asked for donations in her name, too. call the facility and make the donation, using your married name. send a card and sign your name, and just put your maiden name in parenthesis
Reply:Honestly, it's best not to tell them. Just to give a little money. And call the family. In about two weeks, perhapse. When everyone else has called. Just to say you're sorry and what you remember of the lass.


But really, talking about the money... it's not in the best taste.
Reply:I would make the donation that I could afford to the charity of their request, in lieu of flowers. Then I would send the family a sympathy card and say that I made a donation in loving memory of their daughter to that charity.
Reply:Send a donation in memory of the deceased in your name with your maiden name in brackets i.e Mrs Amy Johnson (nee Andrews)





You can certainly also send a card to the family...





A lot of places have a special donation card that they will give to the family of the deceased.





I think a lot of families do this now as the donation is a useful gift and they may not want all kinds of flowers to deal with...





I am sorry for your loss.



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